She (The Influence of Confucianism on Chinese Culture)

 

Photo/Chinese Cultural Centre of Greater Toronto    Emily Xiao Recieves the Award for her Essay

 

Ten years ago, when she was still a student, she tried to do everything to make her parents happy. Similar to what she did in China, she always strived to obtain the best grades after her family immigrated to Canada. She always listened to their advice about what classes to choose, always spent extra hours studying, and always paid them respect.  She knew her parents were proud of her and their happiness depended on her success.  She continued to fulfill their wishes until one day something appeared to be wrong.

 

Ten years ago, when she was still a student, she never had to make any hard decisions.  In fact, she never in her life needed to make decisions – the decisions were always made by her parents.  She never questioned or doubted them. She simply nodded and followed through with loyalty. Now no longer immersed in classes or studying, she panicked.  In the business world, she lost what she’s always great at.  No more grade, no more praises from parents, teachers, and classmates.  Now what?

 

Suddenly, she forgot how to smile.  She realized she didn’t know how to make any decisions.  She’s scared to make mistakes – the same way she’s sacred to make mistakes on exams and make her parents unhappy.  Suddenly, one day she realized grades were no longer important.  Suddenly, she started to envy the people she never envied before. Those classmates who never got straight As but who were always confident in their decisions.  How she wanted to become like one of them!

 

She wanted to change.

 

It was the first time she confronted her parents. Now she had to think about how to word her Chinese before she spoke.  Frustrated at her unarticulated Chinese and her parents’ broken English, she lost hope in trying to make them understand. It was the first time she wished her parents would listen to her.  She wanted to be with him.  He had the same values and perspectives as she did. He valued and cared about her. Her parents shook their heads and strongly disagreed.  His family was completely different from hers.

 

It was the first time she realized she had to make decisions. Perhaps because of living in an industrialized world like Canada, people have to make many decisions – what to eat, what to wear, where to work, and so on.  Perhaps because of people’s free will and their ability to do so in a society that values freedom, they want to make the most desirable decisions.  However, what if this decision conflicts with the family’s traditions and values? What if this decision creates a dilemma for a person who’s now neither completely Chinese nor Canadian?

 

Suddenly, she wanted to take a risk.  She realized that she might not make the best decision, but she wanted to try. She knew she might fail, and her parents might say to her “you should have listened to us in the first place.”  However, she’s ready.  She’s ready to face her life as an adult and be fully responsible for her own decisions.  Meanwhile, she prayed. Perhaps one day her family would forgive her about her ignorance of filial piety, and they would try to understand her decision. 

 

(This article won the second place in the English category of the Chinese Culture Essay Contest organized by the Chinese Cultural Centre of Greater Toronto)